Engelsk

Karakterforslag til engelskstil

25. juni 2016 af Emmaa1212 - Niveau: 9. klasse
Hej allesammen:)
Jeg er lige blevet færdig med at skrive min engelsk stil. Jeg ønsker at der en der ville læse den igenem og give et karaterforslag, og hvad der gør at i giver den karakter. Jeg ønsker også en kort beskrivelse af hvad jeg kunne gøre bedre i den.

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A world reborn

Deep inside the forest a world to a thousand creatures was given, the land is called summer land. And just right next to summer land there is the cursed dark mounts, that once was a part of summer land, but got enchanted by the evil witch and know got into a dirty ugly place for dragons, trolls, evil witches and a lot of evil creatures. The summer land is a home to fairies,elf,mermaids,butterflies and a lot of different beautiful creatures, the land is filled with flowers and the breeze is mild and filled with a lovely fragrance from flowers, and amazing music by the mermaids. In one of the huge flowers a fairy named Lina and her pet named Bubble is about to get ready to go out to the park where they celebrate Summerland's 100th birthday. At the party while everybody is joyful and delighted, a dark cloud approaches and turn into a whirlwind, and a dark shadow appears inside the whirlwind, which turn into the witch. The ugly witch starts walking toward the beloved and beautiful queen, and says "sister, why haven't you invited me to this party?" The queen responded irritated "do you remember the last time I invited you to a party?" And then the witch answers angrily " how dare you remind me of it" and then she shouts "il
End this party!" While she take a glass stone from her cloak and whisper a magical spell, and suddenly all Summerland turns into winter.
"What should I do?" Lina thinks while she walks on her way back home. Suddenly A raspberryelf shows up pleading " Lina you have saved Summerland before please do it again" " but what could a little fairy like me do? The witch is so powerful" " Lina the queen invites you to the palace".
At the palace the queen meets her and says "would you please save Summerland" "I can't" Lina mumbled "the witch is much stronger and more powerful than me" "Lina i know you Can do this, you have done it before and you are also the bravest,smartest and sweetest fairy I've ever met" Lina blushes and answers "okay I'll do it" "but wait" the queen shouts " I have something for you" it is a necklace she says " this necklace will help you when you need it".
On her way toward the cursed mountain there is a river that Lina must cross, but she does not have any idea how to. Suddenly two gorgeous mermaids appear on the bank. They ask "is there something wrong?" She answers confused she tells them the long story and asks "do you know how I can cross the river?" They answered "your necklace looks familiar, I think you actually can breathe under water with it" she thanks them and jumps into the water. After a long time of swimming, Lina was getting closer toward the dark cursed mountains, she could even see the big and dark castle that was owned by the evil witch, suddenly a couple of birds from Summerland was coming toward her, they asked her "aren't you Lina" she answered "yes I am Lina, but what are you guys doing here" the birds answered proudly "the queen sent us we are here to help you and get summer back to Summerland".
The birds and Lina could not enter the castle because of the huge dragons that is guarding the entrance, which means that only the bird could enter because of their wings and smallness.
After entering the castle the birds were confused about finding that glass stone that could bring summer back, but suddenly a scream came from one of the rooms inside the castle, the birds finded a hollow on the wall next to the actual room, they saw the witch and many animals arguing about guarding the stone, at the end the witch chooses a cat to be the one that should guard the stone, the birds were waiting for the cat to sleep so they could take it easily.
After a long time of passion waiting the cat started to sleep, the birds silently and easily flied against the snoring cat and took the stone, " meooooow" the cat wake up and started to jump against the birds but the birds succeed and went out of the castle, it was now time come back to Summerland.
Lina crossed the river and brings summer back to Summerland. Lina got followed by the evil witch and her cat. The witch apeared in front of Lina and told her cat to bite her legs while she take the glass stone back and bring the cold winter back, Lina pushed the witch and the glass stone broke into pieces, the witch shouted "no what have you done" The witches hair turned white as snow and all the cursed dark mountains turned into what it used to be "the other half of Summerland" all the creatures were happy again after 100 years of being cursed.
The queen sent order decorate all Summerland from north to south, east and west, and bring Lina to the castle.
When Lina changed her clothes and came to the castle, the queen hugged her and said "dear Lina thank you for being brave and do all this to us, i would pronounce you as the next queen of summerland" everybody was happy and a party lasted a whole week after it.

Brugbart svar (0)

Svar #1
25. juni 2016 af OliverHviid

Jeg ville nok give den 02/4 fordi der er mange problemer med din tekst.

For det første så svinger du mellem datid og nutid - dette er ikke godt. Der er også visse steder hvor du bøjer dine uregelmæssige verber forkert. Fx står der "finded" i stedet for "found". Du har også problemer med din kongruens, dvs. overensstemmelse mellem subjekt og verballed. Du bliver også nødt til at finde ud af hvad forskellen på simpel tid og udvidet tid er.

Du må endelig spørge hvis du vil have noget uddybet.


Svar #2
25. juni 2016 af Emmaa1212

Ud fra det du siger kan jeg fornemme at det er rent grammatisk jeg har nogle fejl i. Jeg har kontaktet min søster og hun ville hjælpe mig med den grammatiske del.
Hvordan syntes du ellers at stilens handlingsforløb er?

Brugbart svar (0)

Svar #3
26. juni 2016 af OnceUponATime

Når du nu går i 9. Klasse, ville jeg mener at den ligger til en 7'er.
Du har en del fejl, såsom "flied", hvor du i stedet skal skrive "flew".
Selve handlingen er spændende nok, men du fortæller ikke, hvad der bliver af dragerne der vogtede slottet og du fortæller heller ikke, hvad Lina søger efter da hun forlader Summer Land. Det er først til sidst at vi hører at hun skulle have fat på en sten.

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