Hjælp til engelsk stil

Hej,

Jeg har lavet meget få rettelser i den. Der er faktisk ikke så meget at rette i den. Du skriver godt og levende. Jeg synes faktisk, at det er rigtig godt og meget anderledes skrevet.

Dog vil jeg anbefale dig, at skrive lidt længere sætninger. Det vil vise bedre overblik over sproget.
Og prøv at se om du kan skære lidt ned på tanke-sproget. Du skriver meget ungdommeligt og som du tænker. Det er måske ikke altid nemt at læse for en lærer der kommer fra en anden tidsalder...

Jeg har indsat nogle får kommentarer i kantede paranteser []. Prøv at overveje det der står i dem...

Håber det kan bruges.

--

Looking back at 2011
I was on my way back to the kitchen when I noticed it. There it was, popping out of the box, in the corner of the garage. I hadn't seen it for many years, actually I thought it was lost somewhere in my big mess. I turned my body, leaned down and picked it up. I shook it free from the dust it was covered it. It was my picture from 10th grade. Even though it was twenty years ago, I still remember it like it was yesterday.
All morning I had literally stormed my closet for clothes [? Sætningen giver ikke mening for mig?]. I had paced back and forth with a brooding look on my face. My make-up just wouldn't fit my face that day. And the worst thing was that my hair looked like a haystack. The clothes I had found yesterday suddenly looked awful on me! I couldn't even find my 'Breakfast at Tiffany's top. [fx her skriver du meget kort og meget tanke-agtigt -det passer ok med din stil, men du kan omskrive lidt i det her og hæve niveauet]
   I was just about to give up when I heard a knock. I scowled at the door. “Come in!” My mother stood in her pj's [skriv hele ordet –undgår den forkortelse], with no make-up on, a ponytail from yesterday and nothing but a “good morning sweetheart.” [der mangler noget for at afslutte denne sætning] I swear I could have killed her. How could she “sweetheart” me when I  was in the middle of the biggest clothing crisis in my life. I faked a smile, and said “morning mom.” I told her about how my life was about to end because I couldn't find my top, and how everybody would laugh at me in school, because I didn't have anything to wear. She walked in, took a look at closet and in the matter of ten seconds, she had found my top.
“Smile, hey, whisky.” the photographer did all she could to make me smile, but as usual, it didn't work. I turned on my I-don't-like-this-but-i'm-going-to-smile-anyway smile. And click, click, click 3 frames of me sitting on a chair with a big grin on my face! Amazing! One week later I got a text message from the photographer that I could order the pictures. The next day there was a big envelope with my name on it, and a lot of funny-looking pictures inside.
I hid it in my school bag and as soon as I came home I put it in a box, where I hoped that i'd never see it again.
A tear fell from my eye. God how I missed those days. It was the days where I had a fight with my mom every single day, it was the days where I was most fragile. There were days where I cried my eyes out. But it was also the days where I had the most fun, the best friends and the best experiences! I wiped away another tear.
    I took out my cellphone and checked the time. I had to be in Hollywood Studio 04 in 50 minutes. I took the photo and locked the garage. I walked into the kitchen and saw that the food that I had placed for myself was gone. “Spiky” I called out. I could hear the feet of my little chihuahua all over the floor. His little head was full of lasagne. Great! Another meal at Mcdonalds!

Tusind tak for hjælpen (: 

jeg har taget rettelserne til mig.

hav en god dag