Engelsk
Stil
17. november 2005 af
ancoin (Slettet)
A mirror of the man
The Hatred said “I will take you on a journey through time and place. Come whit me.” The Hatred turned around and walked down the hall. Benedict followed The Hatred. The Hatred went in, in a room, on his left. Benedict followed him. When he opened the door, he was sucked in. Suddenly he was in a small village. The people were black and the houses looked like an African houses. He saw the Hatred walked in to a house. Benedict followed him and inside the house a family of 15 seated in a circle. In the middle a pot was placed over a fire. Benedict looked in the pot. Some rice boiled in the pot. The family spilt the rice in to 15 small pates. After the dinner, they hit the work once again. Benedict stayed for the night. The Next morning at 4 am. Hatred followed one of the boys. The boy went down to his school, after three hours of school, he went down to the city. In the city he works in a factory, which makes shoes. The glue they use dissolves the boy’s skin. So he had big cuts and scratches all over his hands. Suddenly Benedict was inside the boy. He could see out of the boy’s eyes and feel his pain in his hands. The Hatred said to him “Now you will live this little back boys life for one day” Benedict had to work or the attendant will hit him. Sow he worked and worked and after that he worked again. After knocking-off time he felt his feet moving, but he did not had any control. The Boy had control again. They went down to the beach. The boys jumped in the water and Benedict suddenly knew he had to dived after pearl oyster. He swam in a couple of hours but did not find any. Then the boy took over again. He was back in the village at 11 pm. His mom sad and waited him. For dinner he got a peace of cornbread and some water. Then it was time to go to bed. The next morning benedict was tired and his body hurt. The Hatred cam and said “Today you will follow the oldest girl.” Sow he was suck out of the boy and in to the girl.
____________________________________________
Kunne i give mig nogle meninger og rettelser?
På forhånd tak
The Hatred said “I will take you on a journey through time and place. Come whit me.” The Hatred turned around and walked down the hall. Benedict followed The Hatred. The Hatred went in, in a room, on his left. Benedict followed him. When he opened the door, he was sucked in. Suddenly he was in a small village. The people were black and the houses looked like an African houses. He saw the Hatred walked in to a house. Benedict followed him and inside the house a family of 15 seated in a circle. In the middle a pot was placed over a fire. Benedict looked in the pot. Some rice boiled in the pot. The family spilt the rice in to 15 small pates. After the dinner, they hit the work once again. Benedict stayed for the night. The Next morning at 4 am. Hatred followed one of the boys. The boy went down to his school, after three hours of school, he went down to the city. In the city he works in a factory, which makes shoes. The glue they use dissolves the boy’s skin. So he had big cuts and scratches all over his hands. Suddenly Benedict was inside the boy. He could see out of the boy’s eyes and feel his pain in his hands. The Hatred said to him “Now you will live this little back boys life for one day” Benedict had to work or the attendant will hit him. Sow he worked and worked and after that he worked again. After knocking-off time he felt his feet moving, but he did not had any control. The Boy had control again. They went down to the beach. The boys jumped in the water and Benedict suddenly knew he had to dived after pearl oyster. He swam in a couple of hours but did not find any. Then the boy took over again. He was back in the village at 11 pm. His mom sad and waited him. For dinner he got a peace of cornbread and some water. Then it was time to go to bed. The next morning benedict was tired and his body hurt. The Hatred cam and said “Today you will follow the oldest girl.” Sow he was suck out of the boy and in to the girl.
____________________________________________
Kunne i give mig nogle meninger og rettelser?
På forhånd tak
Svar #1
17. november 2005 af Xuno (Slettet)
Ganske god stil dog med nogen mindre fejl.
I linje 3 (med overskriften talt med som en linje) skulle der nok stå "with" i stedet for "whit".
I linje 8 skriver du "... like an African houses." an er ental, mens houses er flertal, der skulle nok stå "... like African houses."
I linje 10 skriver du "... 15 seated in a cirkel" her ville jeg nok skrive "... 15 sitting in a cirkel"
I linje 12 skriver du "The family split the rice into 15 small pates" her ville jeg nok skrive "The family split the rice into 15 small portions"
I linje 16 skriver du "In the city he works in a factory which makes shoes"
Du har skrevet hele stilen i datid men her skifter du til nutid. Jeg ville skrive "In the city he worked in a factory that made shoes"
I linje 20 skriver du "... and feel his pain in his hands." Her ville jeg nok skrive "... and feel the pain in his hands." Eftersom han føler det i en anden persons krop.
I linje 21 skriver du "... this little back boys life for one day." Eventuel stave/skrivefejl. back = black???
I linje 22 skrive du "... or the attendant will hit him." Her springer du lige til nutid igen "... or the attendant would hit him." samtidig en lille stave/skrivefejl sidst i sætningen sow = so
Linje 24 "knocking-off time"???
Sidst i linjen: had = have
Linje 27 "... knew he had to dived after pearl oyster." Jeg ville nok skrive "... knew he had to dive for pearl oyster."
Linje 29 "His mom sad and ..." sad = sat???
Linje 30 "peace of cornbread and some water." peace(fred) = piece(stykke)?
Sidste 1½ linje "Sow he was suck out of the boy and in to the girl."
sow = so?
suck = sucked?
-------------------------
det var hvad jeg lige havde af rettelser.
I linje 3 (med overskriften talt med som en linje) skulle der nok stå "with" i stedet for "whit".
I linje 8 skriver du "... like an African houses." an er ental, mens houses er flertal, der skulle nok stå "... like African houses."
I linje 10 skriver du "... 15 seated in a cirkel" her ville jeg nok skrive "... 15 sitting in a cirkel"
I linje 12 skriver du "The family split the rice into 15 small pates" her ville jeg nok skrive "The family split the rice into 15 small portions"
I linje 16 skriver du "In the city he works in a factory which makes shoes"
Du har skrevet hele stilen i datid men her skifter du til nutid. Jeg ville skrive "In the city he worked in a factory that made shoes"
I linje 20 skriver du "... and feel his pain in his hands." Her ville jeg nok skrive "... and feel the pain in his hands." Eftersom han føler det i en anden persons krop.
I linje 21 skriver du "... this little back boys life for one day." Eventuel stave/skrivefejl. back = black???
I linje 22 skrive du "... or the attendant will hit him." Her springer du lige til nutid igen "... or the attendant would hit him." samtidig en lille stave/skrivefejl sidst i sætningen sow = so
Linje 24 "knocking-off time"???
Sidst i linjen: had = have
Linje 27 "... knew he had to dived after pearl oyster." Jeg ville nok skrive "... knew he had to dive for pearl oyster."
Linje 29 "His mom sad and ..." sad = sat???
Linje 30 "peace of cornbread and some water." peace(fred) = piece(stykke)?
Sidste 1½ linje "Sow he was suck out of the boy and in to the girl."
sow = so?
suck = sucked?
-------------------------
det var hvad jeg lige havde af rettelser.
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